Keys to conflict resolution

With rights, perspectives and freewill come conflicts, disputes, disappointments, unreasonable expectations and disagreements in any and every area of life.

Life demands that we learn how to coexist as a community even though we want what we think is best for us and our cause. There is a difference between what is right in someone’s eyes and what is considered to be righteous. Being right primarily considers an individual perspective, which may not be accurate as our perspectives are often based on our perception of a situation and not necessarily the facts of it. Being righteous, on the other hand, is an approach which accords with a standard or principle that takes the collective, common good, into consideration.

How do we achieve good and righteous outcomes? Building on the Harvard Law School’s programme on Negotiation and Leadership, the following criteria satisfies a good negotiation outcome.

1. Mutual gain. A zero-sum outcome (all or nothing) is usually myopic and creates subsequent issues.
2. Equitable and fair – not taking advantage of any party’s lack of information, readiness or situation.
3. Considers the wellbeing of both parties. It also considers who stands to lose more rather than focusing on being the winner or coming out on top.
4. Considers the bigger picture and the long-term implications on all stakeholders, including generations to come.
5. A clear separation between the problem or disagreement and the persons involved. This helps to avoid personal attacks or insults.
6. Respectful communication language.
7. Not led primarily by ego or emotional attachments but by sound principles and reasoning.
8. Mindfulness and consciousness take the lead over the habitual and defensive sub conscious mind .

A most valuable and cost-effective tool to engage in any kind of relationship conflict is EMPATHY. Empathy is a simple, self-induced gift to humanity. With empathy, you let go of your position and perceptions to allow yourself to be fully mindful and attentive to the point of view of the other party. By actively listening to the other side, you put yourself in their shoes and get to see the picture from their perspective. You may even realize that both positions are justified and seek instead to find creative solutions that are mutually beneficial. This is the power of truth; it opens the door to unanticipated possibilities.

Empathy comes through our own self-awareness and considers that we are not perfect, that we are on a growth journey like others, that we have limited vision and insight, that our perceptions are often a misperception of reality and that each individual is uniquely designed and motivated. With empathy you can see the other party’s ‘why’ more clearly, and create an opportunity to exercise fairness, show compassion, and come up with better solutions or an expanded outcome. Empathy allows us to shift from an outcome based/ position-based/ fixed mindset, to one that is interest- based/ solution-based and growth oriented.

As the late Dr Wayne Dyer said, ‘be open to anything and attached to nothing.’ Let us strive to be true to ourselves, to be open enough to hear and understand other perspectives and to maintain a level of flexibility that allow us to alter our stance in favor of win-win solutions.

Join me in this mission, as we disidentify together, to soar from the inside out.